The unwed mother of 7

During one of my clinic duties last month, a case referred to me involved another unwed pregnancy. I have handled a few cases of unwed pregnancy cases before, so I figured it was nothing new to me. That was, until the nurse told me a little background of the case.

The lady referred to me was Aida, 28 years of age. Age-wise, she’s older than the previous unwed pregnancy cases I’ve handled. But the most shocking revelation was that this was Aida’s 7th unwed pregnancy. Her first child would already be 9 years old this year. Out of the 6 earlier pregnancies, she gave 5 of her children up for adoption. The only one she’s taking care of now is her 4th child, a 6 year old girl.

When I spoke to Aida during the clinic duty, she did mention that she wants to take care of the yet-to-be-born baby. Her mother by the way, who stays in another state, is only aware of the child she’s taking care of now, and doesn’t know that Aida is pregnant again. For the moment Aida stays with her foster mother, who is not well to do herself. Together with the foster mother’s own children, they stay in a small flat.

Aida hasn’t been working for the past 5 months, and so she had not been contributing to the household expenses. Understandably, her foster mother, with her own children to take care of, is not helping Aida with anything else but a place to stay.

When I contacted Aida last week, I was told her c-sect is scheduled immediately after the Raya holidays. Without any income, Aida has yet to prepare anything at all for the birth of her baby. She was so relieved when I told her I’d take her out on Monday to shop for the necessary items.

So this morning I fetched her and brought her to a supermarket. I took the opportunity to have a chat with her… what her plans were after giving birth… who will take care of her baby… etc. I wanted to make her feel comfortable with me and trust me enough. I think I did quite well… a few times she mentioned herself as “Along” instead of her own name to me. Along is what she’s called in her family. I believe that means she’s comfortable enough with me.

Since Aida doesn’t want to give the baby up for adoption this time, she plans to open up to her mother after her confinement period. She plans to balik kampong, together with the baby, and tell her mother the whole truth, including the fact that she has been infected with HIV. She knows her mother may be upset and angry initially, but she’s hoping that her mother will accept the baby, just like she had accepted Aida’s other child. Aida is hoping that her mother will help to take care of the baby. She plans to work after she comes back from her kampong, and so if her mother is willing enough to take care of the baby, Aida doesn’t have to worry about looking for babysitters.

I told Aida to start thinking of her future, and the future of the 2 children. The past is over and done with. She needs to pay serious attention to her future.

Aida seemed very receptive. She’s not as stubborn as Zana, another unwed pregnancy case I’ve handled before. She’s willing to listen to my advice.

The important thing right now is I need to follow up on her case quite often and provide her with the necessary support.

Yes, what she needs most right now is support.

2 new cases, and visiting the teenage mom

After loading my car with some baby stuff and household needs, plus some of the vegetables I still had from Monday’s visit, off I drove to Taiping Hospital for my clinic duty. Since Dahlia’s family stay in the same town, I thought I might as well take the opportunity to visit them after my clinic duty. For the moment, this is one family I visit more than the rest because of their situation and needs.

As soon as I got to Taiping Hospital, I went straight to the ID clinic room, asking if there were any cases they wanted to refer to me. The staff nurse pulled me aside to discuss with me a few cases and to ask for my opinion if she should refer those cases to me. For one particular case, she said the patient himself and his father are okay and may not need any help, but the patient’s mother was the one who seemed very depressed. However, yesterday the mother did not come along to the hospital. Since we Buddies not only give support to the PLHIV themselves, but also to their family members, I told the nurse to ask the father if they wanted to talk to me.

I then waited at the praying room aka makeshift counselling room. It wasn’t long before the nurse brought in the father & son she had told me about. The one with HIV was the son, an 18 year old boy. With a Sekolah Agama background, and scoring a long list of A’s in his SPM last year, his parents had high hopes for him, and never in a million years would they have thought that their son would ever be involved in having sex with a fellow male. Understandably, it was very difficult for the mother to swallow.

The father, however, was more accepting, although initially he too found it hard to believe and accept. What is past is done and over with, his main concern now is his son’s future. The boy only found out that he had been infected with HIV when he did a full medical check-up after being offered a place to further his studies at a local university. He eventually entered another college which only required urine test (for drugs) and no blood test as part of their entry requirement.

According to the father, the boy’s mother is beginning to accept the situation now, although she is still very sad about the whole situation. I gave him my number and told him to get his wife to call me if she needs to talk it out with someone, as I may be able to share with her my experience in dealing with other PLHIV families.

The next case referred to me wasn’t a new case, but a case that had never been referred to Buddies before. The nurse figured the lady may need some help. A 51 year old lady, Nina, who sometimes would refer herself as “kakak” to me, and sometimes as “makcik”. Little did she know that I was actually older than her.

Nina goes to the hospital frequently because of her kidney problems, and during one of the tests done, it was found that she was also HIV+. She is already on dialysis, having to go to the hospital 3 times a week. HIV and dialysis, that’s enough problem already. But wait till you hear the rest of her story…

In addition to having to face her own health problems, Nina needs to take care of her husband at home. Her husband, an ex-IVDU, also has mental illness and had even been warded at the psychiatric ward before. He can become violent from time to time (his addiction to drugs certainly didn’t help). Given the conditions of both husband and wife, neither of them are working. So who supports them? They do get RM300 financial assistance from Baitulmal, but the amount is not enough, given that there are 11 people in their household.

The couple has 10 children. Because of their parent’s condition, the first 4 did not continue their studies after SPM. It didn’t matter that they only managed to get low-paying jobs, what mattered was that they needed money to support their family. The eldest basically supports the family’s living expenses. The #2 took a loan to help repair and renovate the family’s house to cater for their big family. He is now married and stays elsewhere. #3 took a loan to buy a car to make it easier for him to bring his mother to the hospital at least 3 times a week. Half of his monthly pay is deducted to pay for the loan. #4 is earning just enough to support himself. #5 and 6 are studying at higher learning institutions and still needs financial support. #7, 8, 9 and 10 are all still in school… 3 in secondary schools and the youngest still in primary school.

With their house (which looks nice of course after the renovation works) and the car, from the outside it did not look like they needed help. If there were any assistance given to the kampong folks, this family would never even be considered.

I told Nina that we Buddies may be able to help out with her 4 younger children’s schooling expenses. She looked somewhat surprised. “Tak pernah ada siapa-siapa bagi kami bantuan,” she said.

After taking down her particulars, I told her either myself or any one of my fellow volunteers would be contacting her to arrange for help.

Since there were no more cases to be referred, I headed off to visit Dahlia’s family. When I got into the house, Dahlia’s daughter Dilla (the 16 year old mom) was feeding her little girl some baby food. The girl is almost 7 months old now. It was good to see some progress in the baby’s growth, considering that during my previous 2 visits her growth seemed somewhat slow.

Dilla was home because during the fasting month, most of the college’s culinary programs are held during iftar and so Dilla would only be able to go home at night. That leads to another problem. Of late it seems a group of guys on motorbikes like to disturb her while she cycles home from her college. After having gone through the rape case before this, both Dahlia and Dilla did not want to take any chances. Luckily Dilla had a friend who goes to the same college daily on a motorbike, so now the friend would pick her up and send her home daily, especially if their program ends at night.

I admire her courage. Dilla is very mature for her age, and especially after having to go through such a harrowing experience. May God protect her and her family.

2 more families revisited…

After sorting out all the vegetables that I got from Kak Mimi and Rubi during my visit on Monday, yesterday I decided to visit 2 more families staying nearer to Ipoh.

First up was Imah. I had only visited her once, after she called me seeking help. At that time, she was no longer together with her husband, but there was no proper divorce. Whenever she tried applying for help from relevant agencies, she couldn’t prove she was a single mother as there was no document to show that. To support her one and only child, and to pay for her living expenses including house rental, she started selling nasi lemak at a stall near her rented house.

Why didn’t she file for divorce? Well, she intended to. In fact during my first visit, she showed me the relevant forms, all filled up. All she needed to do then was to submit them. BUT… she needed to pay a certain amount when submitting the forms, and since she didn’t have enough money, she just put the matter aside.

Unless and until she had the papers to prove that she’s indeed a single mother, it would be hard for her to apply for financial aid from the relevant agencies. Based on that, I managed to get someone to donate a small amount of cash to help her submit her divorce papers. And so she finally submitted the forms and managed to finalise her divorce.

Yesterday morning when I visited her, she was making some kuih to be sold during pasar Ramadhan. She’d just send her kuih to a few stalls so she herself doesn’t need to spend time selling them. That way, at least during iftar she’d be home with her one and only daughter.

Imah told me Baitulmal has approved some financial assistance for her, by way of paying for her monthly house rental. The cheque will be prepared under the landlord’s name, but Imah herself will need to go to their office every month to get the cheque, after which she will pass the cheque to her landlord. At least now Imah doesn’t have to worry about her house rental. That’s one burden off her shoulders.

Imah’s daughter, now in form 4, doesn’t know that Imah has HIV. Imah doesn’t want her daughter to worry. She wants the girl to concentrate on her studies. I don’t know how long she can keep that a secret though.

After visiting Imah, I went to visit Lin. Remember Lin? Ex-wife of Mr Darling? There were quite a number of her stories during my earlier blogging days. It had been quite a while since my last visit. I used to visit her without fail on a monthly basis, delivering groceries etc because during that time, she was struggling to bring up her children. Divorced, and ex-hubby not consistently giving alimony to support her 6 children, all studying at that time. She found a job as an assistant at a restaurant, then she started selling pisang goreng at somebody else’s stall and in the end after attending a short sewing course with Giat Mara, she started sewing baju kurung so she could work at home.

So why am I no longer visiting her regularly? Because the family is already independent. Her 3 older children (all girls) completed their studies, 2 with diplomas, and one with a medical degree. All 3 are already working, in fact one is already married.

When I got to Lin’s house, I heard the voice of a baby. The baby is Lin’s grandchild. Yes, Lin is already a grandma! It was good to hear updates about Lin’s children.

Number one never managed to get a job relevant to her qualifications, so after moving from one job to another, she has now started her own business, having her own boutique. Didn’t do too well initially, but since she moved to a more strategic place, the business is doing better now.

Number two, the one with medical degree, is now doing her housemanship at a general hospital.

Number three, married, and the mother to Lin’s grandchild, works at a private company.

Number four, a boy, never did too well academically, and had been jumping from one job to another. He is engaged and is expected to get married later this year.

Number five, another boy, also didn’t do too well academically, but after some coaxing, agreed to do a vocational course and seem happy to be doing so now. He is already in his second semester doing a course he likes.

Last but not least, number six, a girl, is now doing form six. Hopefully she will emulate her sisters academically.

Visiting Lin and getting updates about her children reminded me why I like doing this voluntary work. Seeing them succeed in life and getting a better future instead of inheriting poverty from their parents, makes me a happy person. Hopefully the other families who are still struggling right now, will also have a happy ending like Lin’s.

2-in-1 visit

After I called Kak Mimi last week and found out about all the problems she was facing, I figured it’s about time to pay her a visit. And since a long lost client of mine, Rubi, who finally contacted me recently, stays in the same town, I might as well visit her too.

So I decided to visit them both yesterday. I was still at home when Kak Mimi called, confirming if I was coming. She works as a guard at a school and so there was no point of visiting her at home. I told her I’d give her a call when I reach Rubi’s house. You see, both Kak Mimi and Rubi know each other well and Rubi’s house is nearer to where Kak Mimi works.

Off I went, setting my GPS to a school mentioned by Rubi to me earlier (not the same school where Kak Mimi works). Rubi told me to call her when I reach the school, and so that was what I did. I had initially thought Rubi would either come on a motorbike or something to fetch me, or she’d give me further directions to drive to her house. Coincidentally, Rubi so happened to be just nearby when I called her, and so I met her right in front of the school.

I was then asked to park my car by the roadside. Apparently Rubi’s house is on a hill and we had to walk all the way up to reach her house. Oh well, it had been quite some time since I last had any climbing/trekking activities, so I guess my visit yesterday included one. Only this time, we had to trek up carrying some weight as well because I brought along some groceries for Rubi, including a 10kg pack of rice and a 5kg bottle of cooking oil.

When I got to Rubi’s house, I immediately called Kak Mimi. Kak Mimi told me she’d meet me there in a short while. She then asked for a one-hour time-off from her boss. Poor Kak Mimi was almost out of breath by the time she reached Rubi’s house. Kak Mimi used to open up a food stall in front of her old rented house, but due to so many problems, she has stopped doing so. After that she got the job as a guard at the school that I mentioned earlier.

As for Rubi, she has remarried since a year ago. Her husband however, does odd jobs and doesn’t have fixed income. Rubi herself works as a helper at a vegetable farm.

Anyway, knowing that Kak Mimi took time-off from work, I didn’t want to waste too much of her time, so after she caught her breath, we went back down, and she showed me the way to the new house she’s renting. You see, when I called her earlier, she told me not only about the flash flood that damaged quite a number of her belongings at home, but also that she had to look for a new house to rent because the landlord of the old house she had been renting for the past 10 years wanted the house back.

Kak Mimi managed to find a vacant house for her to rent, but her problem is the amount of cash needed to pay for all the deposits. The new landlord however, had already given her the key to the house despite not getting any deposits yet. Kak Mimi is supposed to pay the amount on the 1st of July, when she plans to move into the new house.

The inside of the house had already been cleaned by Kak Mimi and her sons. It was still empty as all Kak Mimi’s things will only be brought in on the 1st. I could see the house wasn’t in the best condition (room door without knobs etc) but it was good enough as shelter. After handing over the groceries that I brought along for Kak Mimi, I also handed over some cash donated by her son’s education sponsor given through me. Kak Mimi felt so thankful she almost cried.

After the short visit to the house, Kak Mimi showed me the way to her workplace. At least during my next visit if I can’t find her at home on a weekday, I know how to find her at work. Once we got to the school, Kak Mimi reported back to work while I turned back to head home.

And oh, while the supply of groceries had already been unloaded from my car, by the time I headed home, it was loaded with fresh vegetables given by both Rubi and Kak Mimi.

A whole load of vegetables in the car! I know I won’t be able to finish them. So guess what? While I actually didn’t have any plans for today, I figured I might as well slot in visits to the homes of 2 more clients in Ipoh, and share some of the vegetables with them.

Another visit done, another visit planned

I was on clinic duty last Monday. When I was told by the nurses that there was supposed to be one new case to be referred, I waited at the support service room. I waited and waited and waited… and got bored waiting.

So I decided to call an old client of mine, Kak Mimi, whom I had not contacted for a while. I’m so glad I made that call. She has a load of problems on her shoulders but was too shy to seek help. The moment I called to ask how she was doing, only then did she start telling me the problems she was facing.

Kak Mimi stays about 1 1/2 hour drive from Ipoh, so I can’t simply drop everything and go visit her as and when I like. I need to properly plan my visits. Coincidentally, another client of mine, Rubi, who I had lost contact with for some time, contacted me recently after she got my number from Kak Mimi. You see, they stay in the same town and know each other well. Rubi had lost her handphone earlier and lost my number with it. So she was unable to contact me after she got herself a new phone and number.

During the early stages after I was assigned as Rubi’s buddy, she was still rather shy and didn’t talk much. We only met once at the hospital, and before I managed to gain her full trust, we lost contact. That was until Rubi met Kak Mimi and found out that Kak Mimi too knows me. I guess Rubi had more confidence in me after listening to Kak Mimi’s stories about how Buddies and I have been helping the family. So she got my number from Kak Mimi and finally contacted me via whatsapp. She was pleasantly surprised to find out that I actually still remember her.

Since I am planning to visit Kak Mimi, I might as well visit Rubi during the same trip. Am hoping to visit them by early next week.

Meanwhile yesterday I went to visit Zainab. She stays in Ipoh, and so I didn’t really have to plan ahead to visit her. I just needed to find out when she’d be home during the daytime (she works on shifts at a factory). When I found out she was home yesterday, I immediately went to visit her, with some supply of groceries bought earlier using money donated by some generous friends of mine.

Only Zainab and her older daughter (fondly called kakak) were home. The younger child (Adik) was at school. Kakak goes to school in the afternoon session. Zainab’s husband, Zaki, had to go to the hospital for his routine blood test.

After all these years, Zainab remains the sole bread winner for the family. Zaki did get jobs from time to time, but always ended up quitting with all sorts of excuses… tak larat… susah kerja malam… pekerja lain semua pekerja asing… and whatever other excuses. In the end, Zainab herself gave up and told him to just stay home and take care of the kids. Zainab herself has hypertension in addition to her HIV, but despite the stress she has to face at work, she never even thought of quitting.

Anyway, Kakak whispered something to Zainab while I was there. I was wondering what it was about. Apparently the girl wanted her mother to ask me about this year’s Family Day. This family is a regular for our Family Day, and the 2 girls always look forward the annual event. I haven’t started inviting my clients yet for this year’s event as the board has not decided on the venue yet. I will have to contact every client on my list once the board has made that decision.

Okay, so one home visit done this week. My next visit will be to the homes of Kak Mimi and Rubi.