How complicated can complicated get?

Remember in my last posting I mentioned about the pregnant girl who is not only HIV+ but also on methadone? After finding out that her mother and older brother are both on shabu, we figured “home” is not the place to go to once she is discharged from the hospital. With all the info given to me by the doctor, I knew this was a complicated case and won’t be one easy to deal with. The doctor’s main concern was where this girl and her baby will go once discharged from the hospital.

Since this case is not in Ipoh, I haven’t gone to visit her yet. So instead I got a fellow volunteer who works in the town where the girl is to check on her and find out more details. After seeing quite a number of complicated cases earlier, I thought I had seen them all. But when my fellow volunteer came back to me with her report, things turned out to be even more complicated than I thought.

FACT: This girl, Maznah, was raped at 14. That was her first pregnancy. She was then sent to a shelter home under the Welfare Dept for 3 years. Her father, who was by then divorced with her mother, died while she was there at the shelter home. After that, Maznah & her 4 brothers, stayed with their mom (they previously stayed with their father).

FACT: Maznah’s older brother was caught for shabu and is now in jail. Maznah is no. 2. No. 3 was given away by her father to be taken care by someone else (he must be the lucky one I guess). No. 4 is working at a restaurant and no. 5, now 17, is staying with their mom.

FACT: Maznah has 3 more siblings from a different father, aged 6 to 13. Nope, not Maznah’s stepfather though. Maznah’s mother, who is also on shabu, didn’t remarry after her divorce. The 3 younger kids were born out of wedlock – all with the same boyfriend.

FACT: Maznah’s 13 year old half-sister, is also currently pregnant & now stays at a shelter home for problematic teenaged girls.

FACT: One of Maznah’s boyfriends had been regularly visiting her at the hospital, sending her food etc. So, why don’t they just get married? It seems Maznah herself does want to get married if this guy proposes to her, but right now she herself is unsure if he wants to.

Question: How complicated can complicated get?

Answer: As complicated as can be.

God help me please…

Spending some time with the kids…

Today being my clinic duty, and knowing that Saiful, Sofie’s thick-spectacled son would be going to the hospital for his appointment with the ophthalmologist today, I promised their aunt Rozi that I’d send the children home after they’re done. Rozi already had to take unpaid leave for the whole of last week, and yesterday she had to take half day leave to settle the younger 2 children’s school transfer at the PPD, so for today she got the eldest boy, Azlan to accompany Saiful to the hospital. That also meant the youngest girl, Ika, would have to tag along as well.

I was still driving around, looking for parking, when Saiful called me up to tell me that they were already at the hospital. He did say however, that his turn was a long way to go. I finally managed to park my car quite a distance from the hospital, then walked over to the specialist clinic. As I was almost approaching the building, another call came in from an unfamiliar number. The call was from Valli’s son, the one who got 5A’s for this SPM last year. He told me he had checked online and had secured a place at a matriculation college up north. I was the one who got excited for him. Then, thinking that his mother may worry about him going quite far from home, I asked him what his mother’s reaction was to the news. He said, “Ma suruh tanya auntie.” So I just told him to grab the opportunity.

Instead of going up straight to the support service room, I went to the eye clinic first to check on Sofie’s children. There were so many people around, but I did manage to locate the children – all 3 of them were leaning against the wall as there were no more empty seats available. I told them to look for me upstairs once they were done.

I then went up to the HIV clinic to inform the nurses that I was already there and to check if there were any new cases. There were supposed to be two new cases today. The first case, an ex-army guy who had already been on HAART for the past 2 years. So his wasn’t really a new case, but newly referred to Ipoh GH. Before this he stayed in another state. Well, he didn’t talk much either, and didn’t seem like he wanted a buddy. So I just gave him our brochure and told him to call our hotline number if need be.

The other new case was the guy who had been contacting me via email earlier to ask how to go about arranging for an appointment with the doctor, and also to consult on other HIV-related matters. But it was our first face to face meet. He seemed to be doing okay, CD4 still okay, but just needs someone to talk to since none of his family members know of his HIV status. I’ve already assigned a male volunteer as his buddy.

After confirming with the nurses that there were no other new cases, I went down to the eye clinic to see the kids. Saiful had already gone in the room earlier when some liquid were put into his eyes, then had to wait for his number to be called again to see the doctor. So I waited there with them. After a while, Saiful’s number was called. Initially Ika went in the room to follow him, and Azlan asked, “Takpe ke ramai-ramai masuk?” I told Azlan to go in and accompany his brother and tell Ika to wait outside with me. At least if there was anything important, Azlan would be the better person to know the details rather than Ika.

They spent almost 15 minutes in the room, during which I took the opportunity to talk to Ika privately. Oh wow, you want to know stuff which you may not get from the adults… get hold of the kids! I didn’t even have to ask, Ika simply told me stuff about her other aunt (the big mouth aunt who told the whole kampong about Sofie’s HIV) which her aunt Rozi never told me.

You see that aunt’s eldest son is on drugs, while the 2nd one, a girl who just sat for SPM last year, got pregnant (out of wedlock) recently and went for abortion. Ahh, no wonder Rozi was so worried about Azman spending more time at that aunt’s house! Definitely no role figures there, only bad influences!!

I guess as much as Rozi didn’t like that sister, she didn’t want to tell too much details, so all these were never brought up to me before. After all, she is Rozi’s sister no matter what. But Ika simply couldn’t keep things to herself. She told me EVERYTHING. I will just keep on pretending that I don’t know all these. Rozi doesn’t need to know that I already know.

Anyway, after seeing the doctor, Saiful needed to go to the registration counter to get the date of his next appointment.  We thought we were almost done… until we saw the long queue of people also wanting to get the dates of their next appointments! Since my car was parked quite far, I told the kids I’d go get my car first. Ika initially wanted to walk with me to the car, but it was raining, so I just told her to wait with her brothers.

By the time I got my car back inside the hospital compound, Saiful was still in the queue. But I managed to get a parking right beside the specialist clinic, so I parked my car there and went to wait together with Ika & Azlan. What I noticed this time was that Azlan was no longer the quiet boy who didn’t talk much. Once upon a time, he was Sofie’s problematic son – always going out at night, coming home late etc. But the boy has changed a whole lot. Sofie herself got to see the positive changes when she was still alive. Now that Sofie is no longer around, I noticed even more positive changes. I could see that he loved his siblings & joked around with them (a trait I never saw before from him!) and his sense of responsibility was also obvious. This time he would even openly talk to me, unlike previously. And he was even complaining that he tried to advise his brother Azman, but Azman wouldn’t listen to him, and neither would Azman listen to their aunt Rozi.

Saiful finally got things settled after 1.15 pm. I had informed Azman yesterday that I’d bring his siblings to his culinary school so we could go out and have lunch together, but since we were still at the hospital after 1 pm, I SMSed Azman to tell him that we were still at the hospital. He would have to go back to class at 2 pm, so I guess it would be better for him to have lunch first.

I still brought the children to Azman’s place. Ika and Saiful had been to Azman’s hostel before (when Sofie was still alive) but they had never been to the culinary school (which is just within walking distance from the hostel). It rained heavily when we got there… it was already about 1.35 pm, and when we called, Azman said he was at a nearby foodstall. So we went straight to the stall. Azman had already finished his lunch, and so we just ordered ours.

I brought up the matter about need to get another guarantor to replace his mother for the Tabung Kemahiran loan.

Me: Ada ke siapa-siapa yang berani jadi penjamin engkau?

Azman: Dah dapat dah.

Me: Siapa?

Azman: Adalah…

Apparently since his aunt Rozi had called him the day before and scolded him, telling him that she didn’t dare get another guarantor for him if he doesn’t even want to listen to her, Azman didn’t want to go begging. He got one step ahead and found another person to be his guarantor. Who? God knows. When I asked if all the documents are ready, he said was getting them soon.

“Borang dah sain?” I asked. “Tak payah sain,” he said. When I told him a guarantor MUST sign for the guarantee to be valid, he said he will get the necessary form from the office and get the signature. Right till the end, I couldn’t get him to tell me who this other guarantor was, but I sincerely hope he didn’t sweet talk someone into becoming his guarantor without telling that person what it was all about.

Looks like Azman is determined to do things his way. I reminded him that if I hear any more complaints about him, I will have no choice but to stop the monthly assistance he is currently getting while waiting for the Tabung Kemahiran loan to go through.

“Ala, jangan la makcik…” he said. So for the moment I still have the upper hand over Azman as compared to his aunt Rozi. If I have no choice, then I will have to resort to my “no more assistance” threat…

We couldn’t chat longer as it was getting close to 2 pm and Azman had to go back to class. Once the other kids were done with lunch, off we went, first to a pharmacy to get Saiful’s eye drops as prescribed by the doctor. The particular eye drop wasn’t available at the hospital pharmacy and so we had to buy outside. After that I sent them straight home.

Just as we reached their house at about 2.30 pm, the doctor at the HIV clinic called. She had wanted to talk to me earlier during my clinic duty, but she was too busy then. There was one case she wanted me to follow up with. Actually the staff nurse did call me earlier to tell me about the case but I didn’t know the full story. The nurse was just asking if the shelter home in KL where I usually send problematic clients would accept methadone cases. Apparently the people at that shelter home do not have any expertise with those involved in drugs, and so they dare not accept such cases.

What I didn’t know earlier was that this girl is PREGNANT! When the doctor called me today, I got more details.

This girl is in her mid-twenties, and this is her third pregnancy. And no, she has never been married. The first 2 children was with her first boyfriend. This 3rd pregnancy is with her 2nd boyfriend. The 2nd boyfriend however, had gone missing after he found out she has HIV. The first boyfriend however, according to the doctor, still cares about her and he’s been the one who had been visiting her at the hospital now that she is hospitalised.

Her own family? No, they have not disowned her. So no problem, once discharged she can always go back to stay with them, right? Errr… not if that means she may go back to drugs…

You see, this girl is the 2nd of 8 siblings. Her oldest brother, is on shabu, caught, and is now either in jail or in a Pusat Serenti I am not sure. The mother is home, but she too is on shabu. So if this girl goes home once discharged, chances are she too will go back to her old habits. And bear in mind, she is pregnant!

When the doctor went to visit her in the ward yesterday, the girl said she didn’t want to go to a shelter home because she wouldn’t be able to see her 2 earlier children who are now with her first boyfriend. Gosh, since this boyfriend seems to still care about her, why can’t they just get married so that once discharged they can just stay together?? What’s stopping them I wonder.

Our main concern now is of course the soon to be born baby. With the mother being HIV+, and on methadone to add, the safest place to be now is at the hospital so they can monitor her at least until the baby is born. The doctor in charge said they don’t have any problems keeping her in the ward until the baby is born, and that is due in 2 months time. I hope the girl will at least agree to that. Meanwhile we have 2 months to think of what needs to be done next…

Sofie’s son…

After arranging for the continuity of the monthly schooling assistance for Ika & Saiful, Sofie’s 2 younger children, and informing their aunt Rozi via SMS about it, I decided to give the family some space. I wasn’t really sure how receptive the aunt was about having me taking interest in the children too often.  I didn’t want her to feel as though I am monitoring her every move. Maybe a once-in-a-month call/visit would do.

But last Saturday, after done with cooking for lunch, I noticed there were 3 missed calls on my hand phone – all from Rozi. I had earlier left my phone in my room and so I didn’t hear it ringing while I was in the kitchen.

Seeing 3 missed calls from the same person, I figured it was important. Could it be that Rozi had problems arranging for the 2 younger kids school transfer? I remember Sofie herself had problems previously even though she was their own mother.

So I returned Rozi’s call. No, no problem transferring the the children to new schools nearer to the aunt’s place. The problem was with Azman, Sofie’s no. 2 son now studying at the culinary school. The boy had already missed 2 weeks of classes when his mother was hospitalised earlier. No problem about that, he did get permission from the college and he did get the doctor’s letter to show them. But because he had missed classes for some time already, Rozi suggested to him that he should start going back to classes on Wednesday, 3 days after his mother passed away, so that he wouldn’t miss any more lessons. But Azman refused, he said he’d only go back to his hostel on Sunday, and start going back to classes on Monday.

That too was understandable, since Thursday was a public holiday in Perak. But Rozi’s main concern was that Azman had gone out since Wednesday and didn’t come back since, without informing her where he went. Azlan, the older brother who went back to their old house to get some things, found out that Azman had gone to his other aunt’s house (the aunt who had spread the news about Sofie’s HIV to the whole kampong). He did advise his brother to go back to Rozi’s house, but to no avail.

Rozi and Azlan did try to call after that, but Azman didn’t bother to answer his phone. Azlan ended up sending text messages to his brother, reminding him to remember their mother’s advise and requests when she was still alive. But Azman didn’t bother to reply the messages either. So Rozi got worried… what if the boy doesn’t go back to his hostel on Sunday and decides to skip more classes?

Since her calls were not answered, Rozi resorted to getting me to call and advise Azman. I waited until later in the evening before calling Azman, pretending that I didn’t know where he was, and just asking him when he’d be going back to his hostel.  I did ask him where he was, and he did say he was in the other town, not at Rozi’s house. Good, at least he didn’t lie.

I did make him promise he’d start going back to his classes by Monday.

It’s Monday today, and while I was in the kitchen this morning, a call came in. The moment I saw that the call was from the culinary school, I got worried. God, did he not turn up in class today too??

Apparently, the call was from one of the staff of the culinary school, calling to ask about his Tabung Kemahiran loan. You see, in the earlier form, Sofie herself was the first guarantor, and Rozi as second guarantor. Now that Sofie has passed away, they needed a new guarantor to replace Sofie. I wasn’t about to get myself involved as guarantors to any loans taken by these children (once I start then each of them may resort to me as their guarantor later, I wouldn’t want that to happen…. there are simply too many of them), so I told the lady that Azman’s new guardian is his aunt Rozi, and to contact her direct on this matter. Rozi’s number was already in the form as she was named as the second guarantor in the original form.

I am not really sure if any of Azman’s other relatives are willing to become his guarantor (even earlier on when Sofie was looking for a second guarantor, Azman’s cousin who initially agreed, in the end chickened out). But in case Rozi calls me to seek my advise, I’d probably suggest to her to take the opportunity to brainwash Azman and tell him that nobody is willing to be his guarantor if he is not willing to change himself. On my part, I will advise Azman to go back and BEG for help from his aunt and uncle or older cousins. Of course I will give him a piece of my mind as well…

Informing the friends…

After visiting Sofie’s children on Monday, it occurred to me that a few of my other clients do know Sofie, and one in particular, Fuzi, had been keeping in touch with Sofie ever since the last Family Day at The Roots last year. Fuzi and her children even went to visit Sofie’s home for Raya. There were a few others who knew Sofie, but I figured Fuzi needed to know first before she decides to call or visit Sofie only to find out that Sofie had passed on for some time.

So on Tuesday I called Fuzi.

“Ada apa kak?”

“Ni nak bagitau, *Sofie* dah meninggal Ahad baru ni.”

“HAA?? UDAH MENINGGAL???!! Baru berapa hari sudah saya talipon dia.”

“Berapa hari sudah? Masa dia kat hospital ke?”

“Tak, dia kata dia di rumah kakaknya.”

Fuzi’s “berapa hari sudah” must have been more than 2 weeks earlier. Sofie had been warded ever since her appointment date at the beginning of the month, right to the day she died.

Just as I had anticipated, Fuzi began worrying. “Lepas sorang, sorang pergi. Saya ni bila pulak agaknya.”

Last year she got a surprise when she found out about Shila’s death not long after our Family Day. Now, it’s Sofie’s turn. I know Fuzi worries, because she’s hoping that her time will only come after at least her eldest daughter starts working. The girl is in form five this year, and doing quite well in her studies. Her younger siblings don’t seem to perform that well and so Fuzi relies a lot on her eldest daughter to take care of the younger ones when she’s gone.

I have yet to tell Aini about Sofie. Although she knows Sofie, unlike Fuzi, Aini doesn’t call or visit Sofie (or any other PLHIVs for that matter). Aini’s eldest daughter knows Sofie’s 2 older sons, Azlan and Azman, as they went together for a youth camp some time last year.

Then there’s Wani, who stays in the same town where Sofie & her children stayed (before Sofie moved to her sister’s house recently). In fact they sometimes meet at the pasar malam.

Whatever it is, life goes on for those still living. I hope they don’t start getting depressed when they hear about the death of a fellow PLHIV. They must bear in mind that although they are in the same boat (being HIV+), each of their condition differs. Shila for example, had heart problems, while Sofie’s condition was already bad by the time she was diagnosed HIV+ 4 years ago.

Fuzi and Wani on the other hand, are still considerably healthy despite their HIV. Of course, we don’t necessarily have to be ill to die. When our time is up, our time is up. Not a second sooner, not a second later. It could even be my turn next. Only God knows…

What happened to the other orphaned children?

Ever since I joined Buddies in 2004, I’ve had to face quite a number of deaths of my clients. Thank God I’m not really the type who gets emotionally involved in my cases, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get affected at all. I mean, who wouldn’t get touched seeing children still needing love and attention losing their parents, right?

The first of the deaths of my clients that I had to face was that of Rose. Rose had been a client of Buddies for quite some time, but after a while she went missing. By the time my fellow volunteers managed to get hold of her again, I was already a confirmed buddy, and so they assigned me to this case. By then Rose had been diagnosed with late stage of cancer. I only got to know Rose for the last 2 1/2 months of her life, but during that short period she did tell me from A to Z about her life story.

Anyway, when Rose died, her 3 children were all still in primary school. The oldest then was only 12, and the youngest 9. None of Rose’s siblings were well-to-do, and none were willing to take in additional financial burden. But luckily, the children’s paternal family came to the rescue. After visiting the children’s paternal grandma and aunt who took them in, I was convinced they were in good hands and the new guardians were also financially capable to bring them up. So I didn’t really have to monitor their case anymore, although from time to time, I do get news from their aunt. The kids are doing well.

Then there was Lily, who had to lead such a complicated life. Nobody had expected her to go so soon. Despite her HIV, her condition wasn’t too bad. But she died due to complications arising from dengue. Her 3 children were all still young, including her youngest son who was just 5 years old then, and was also HIV+ to add. An uncle willingly took over responsibility taking care of the children, but although I tried to convince them that they didn’t have to worry about taking care of a HIV+ child, after listening to too many other people who insisted they knew what they’re talking about, the child was sent to a shelter home for HIV children, separated from his sisters who continued to stay with the uncle. The uncle however, did promise to visit the boy from time to time.

I have lost contact with this family, and so I don’t know how they’re doing right now.

The next death was that of Azman’s, Yah’s husband. They had 4 children, including the youngest who was still a baby then. Yah had problems with her in-laws then, and had to resort to “running away” together with her kids from their house near her in-law’s house. She moved back to her parent’s house. I did continue to visit them after the husband’s death, but Yah, who initially was a very strong and determined woman, changed for the worse after she began befriending another PLHIV, Mr Darling. She starting going out (and sleeping with) men, determined to take revenge on them. Her 2 older children ended up asking to go to an orphanage. The 2 younger ones continued to stay with their grandparents. I withdrew Yah’s financial assistance as I didn’t want her to spend the money for useless things. Lately however, Yah has changed (or at least she admitted so) and now she is already working at a factory and her kids are back with her. We do keep still keep in touch from time to time and the children seem to be doing okay.

Another death I had to face was that of Rina’s. When Rina’s case was referred to us, her condition was already very bad. So I never really had the chance to get to know Rina better. I only had the opportunity to visit her at her house once, to help bring her to the hospital, and another visit was when she was warded at the hospital. The next visit was at the morgue, the day she died. Rina left behind a son, who was then just 8 years old, but his grandparents were able and willing to take care of him, and so I didn’t really have to follow up on the case after Rina’s death.

Then last year came Shila’s death. That was the first time I had to handle the janazah right from preparing the kafan, to bathing and finally to kafan the body. Shila died at home, not at the hospital, and after I found out that the regular lady who usually handles all the janazah management at that kampong was not around, I offered myself since I knew what to do and had the experience (although that was my first time handling the body of an HIV+ person). Shila left behind one daughter, Laila, who was then 11. But Shila had all the while stayed at her mother’s house, together with her mother and a few other siblings, so there wasn’t really any problem about who was to take care of Laila. But since the family wasn’t well to do, Laila, who was already under our education sponsorship programme, still continues to get sponsorship for her educational needs. But I don’t really have to follow up on this case too often.

The latest case is of course that of Sofie’s. This case is somehow different from the other cases I’ve had to handle. Probably because I visit this family more often compared to the other families, not because I practice favouritism, but because of Sofie’s fragile condition. The first time I was assigned to her, she was actually bedridden. That was 4 years ago. Nobody thought she could survive any more than a year. But for the sake of her children, she persevered for 4 years. Sofie herself, despite her condition, was never the type to just do nothing and wait for assistance to come in. The moment she felt a bit better, she’d try to do something to earn some income for the family. By late last year she started selling nasi lemak near her rented house, after getting some assistance from the government’s e-kasih programme.

There were times however, when she felt unwell and couldn’t open her stall. In other words, the family was still not stable and independent enough. I still visit the family regularly every month. The children were already treating me like family. Unlike other children who’d only go out with me if their mother came along, in the case of Sofie’s children, they didn’t even have to think twice about going anywhere with me without their mother tagging along.

Although the children are now under the care of their aunt Rozi, Rozi too treats me like family and had been endlessly thanking me for helping out her sister. The children now still needs care and help. Unlike the other children under their new guardians whom I only follow up from time to time just to find out how they’re doing (a few I have lost contact totally as their new guardians prefer not to keep in touch with us), looks like for Sofie’s children, I will still have to continue with my monthly visits.