When we help those in need...

… do they become independent or do they become even more dependent?

I guess that all depends on the attitude of the people we help and the extent to which we help them.

While I was at the Buddies center last Thursday, I suddenly remembered I had not informed Ifa about our Family Day trip to Taiping Zoo next month (ehmm… the trip is not to visit any family members in the zoo, ya…). I had to personally seek permission from her father to get Ifa to join our 2006 Family Day in Teluk Batik. Last year for the outing at Lost World of Tambun, I couldn’t get hold of her as she was always not home whenever I called. Since Ifa is already working this year and stays on her own and has her own hand phone, I assume it is easier to get hold of her this year. Not wanting to disturb her during her working hours, I just sent her a text message to invite her to join our Family Day. She replied saying that she’s interested to join but will have to confirm later as she has some problems to settle first.

Hmmm… problems? And she’s trying to solve the problems herself?

Now, that, I must say, is a great improvement for Ifa. When I first got to know her, she had almost given up living. She wished she could just die and not bother anyone anymore. Her non-supportive family didn’t help either. Frankly, I thought I never had any chance of seeing Ifa’s spirits up. I am so glad I was wrong. Ifa is more confident now, and in the process, she has become a more independent person.

I have always stressed that whenever we help these PLWHAs, we must help them to become independent. We don’t want to have them end up clinging on to us for any kind of help, financially or emotionally.

While Ifa has become a more independent and confident woman, Mrs. K’s family is the total opposite. Whenever they have problems, they always take the short cut, and end up having even more problems. And just because we helped them out once, they think we’d always be there for them. They never learn! I always have to be firm with them – even if that means I need to let them suffer a bit.

Fuzi has definitely become more independent, although there had been times when she’d try her luck to get even more help – and end up being “lectured” by me about some other families who had to work hard day and night and yet they earn much lesser than the financial assistance she got. Now she doesn’t bother me much anymore and would only inform me if any of her children who are under our Education Sponsorship program have any additional expenses at school.

Hana too has improved a lot in terms of independence. She’s thankful her children are sponsored under the same sponsorship program and to her that’s a whole load of burden off her shoulders already. She no longer needs to confide in me with all sorts of problems like she did when I first got to know her.

But one person I really admire is Lin. Although she had a tough time initially after her divorce, she didn’t try to get people’s sympathy. Despite never having any work experience before, she still managed to get herself a job. When she decided to call me for support, she didn’t ask for financial support, she just needed someone to talk to. And after letting things out, she feels much better. Now if she contacts me it is only to ask how I’m doing. Just like buddies! I am after all, her buddy, right?

I am not too sure about Yah though. Initially I knew her as a very strong and determined woman. After her angau episode she changed totally. But after putting the onus (no Kerp, not anus) back on her, telling her that she has to be responsible for her own family, she did get herself a job… which is good… but of late I haven’t even been able to call her and neither has she been contacting me. Maybe she has become TOO independent that she doesn’t even bother to answer my calls or reply my text messages?

There were also a few clients who didn’t need any financial support but more of emotional support. Maria for example, has a husband who supports her financially, but this very same man simply did not/could not/would not support her emotionally. Maria would usually try to keep things to herself, not wanting to bother anyone else about her problems, but when she feels like “exploding”, she’d call me to let things out. I’ve tried introducing Maria to other PLWHAs, but she didn’t seem to respond well. She prefers to stick to just one person to confide in whenever the need arises. That’s me.

Basically, I do see improvements in the lives of the PLWHAs I have been dealing with. Of course there are bound to be some “failures” like the K family, but I can’t win them all, can I? Besides, I am not abandoning them… I’m just trying to make them learn… albeit the hard way…