Blur!!

In my previous posting under the topic “When we help those in need…”, I mentioned that Hana had improved a lot in terms of independence and that she no longer needs to confide in me with all sorts of problems like she did when I first got to know her.

I guess I spoke a tad too soon. Maybe she had just been keeping things to herself. Maybe she thought Buddies would be able to help her out for every single problem that she has. Maybe she simply didn’t have any new problems… yet…

Last night, Pat, the fellow volunteer who stays in the same town as Hana, called me up. She just spoke to Hana and that woman was crying and crying, Pat didn’t know what to do.

Apparently Hana did a mistake at work (according to her just a small mistake, but that’s her version of the story; we don’t know for sure the real version at her workplace) and as a result her supervisor penalized her – not allowing her to do overtime for the next 3 months! That means she will be getting less income for the next 3 months. She had been depending on overtime all these while to earn more for the family.

Hana had always been rather “slow” in understanding what people tell her. Even when she was first diagnosed HIV positive, she didn’t really get it at first. I suppose the doctor and the nurse didn’t want to be too direct when breaking the news to her, so instead of going straight to the point saying “You got HIV”, they sort of delivered the news subtly. That’s what they always do so they should know better how to deliver the news.

But when Pat went to visit her initially, Hana was saying that the doctor told her she was NOT infected. Pat got confused, the fact that she was assigned as Hana’s main buddy was reason enough to believe that Hana was indeed infected. But Pat didn’t dare say otherwise to Hana. So she called me, and I called SN just to be sure what they had told Hana. SN said loud and clear that Hana was indeed positive and that she was told so. Either Hana was confused and didn’t understand or she was in denial.

So when Pat and I went to visit Hana the next time, I had no choice but to tell Hana straight in the face that she was confirmed positive. She cried.

There were also other things that Hana didn’t understand. When we told her we’d try to help her out with her children’s education and told her to fill in the form for each of her schooling children, she even filled in the form for her youngest son who is not even in kindergarten yet.

Now her 2 daughters are under the Education Sponsorship for Children program. I told her to list down her monthly expenses needed in relation to her children’s schooling needs. She wanted to give me the list when she came to Ipoh for her blood test last week, but since I couldn’t take time off to meet her at the hospital, I told her to pass the list to Pat.

Last night Pat got the list. It was quite an extensive list Pat couldn’t believe her eyes especially when she saw one particular item on the list. Other than the list of tuition fees, bus fares, uniforms and shoes for co curricular activities; also included in the list of needs was “Motosikal – RM2,500”.

Aiyo!! What was this woman thinking? I clearly stated to her to list down her children’s schooling needs, but a motorbike? Whoa… don’t go overboard lah woman!!

Funny thing was I remembered that her late husband, Rashid had a motorbike. And I remembered clearly asking her why she didn’t use the motorbike to go to work. Her answer was that she didn’t know how to ride a bike and so the bike was taken by her brother who stays elsewhere. Why would she want a motorbike now? Just got herself a license?

I guess it was just another case of Hana being blur. She probably thought just because we’re helping her out, we would spoil her rotten by giving her anything she’d ask for. Never mind, I guess I will just have to resort to another “direct to the point” talk the next time I meet her, not that Pat or myself have been using twists and turns all these while, but I just have to be more direct than direct – whatever that means!

What worried Pat even more was something else Hana told her. According to Hana, a few people purportedly from a bank came to visit her at home, saying that they will arrange to repair her house. They asked for her particulars such as her IC number etc, all of which she gave without question. When Pat asked her for details of who’d be paying for the repairs, who directed the bank officers to go to her house etc, all Hana said was, “Saya tak tahu.” Of course she didn’t know, she didn’t even ask. Even if she did ask, I doubt she’d understand. Blur and blank all the time!

We don’t know for sure yet what the visit was all about. Hopefully those people genuinely wanted to help her. But just to be sure, Pat told Hana to call her the next time those people come to visit so that Pat could go over and ask them herself. They may indeed repair the house but we sure don’t want Hana to get duped into signing an IOU letter instead! If that happens, Hana will call either Pat or myself and end up crying and crying again.

There is something else that’s bothering me about Hana. From the list of monthly expenses that she gave, most of the expenses were for her eldest daughter. And she also asked for milk for her 4 year old son despite me asking for the list of schooling needs for the other 2. There wasn’t much listed for her 9 year old daughter who has to walk to school. (We are still unable to find any bus/van drivers willing to take her although we already have sponsors). Hana didn’t seem to worry too much about that. She’s more concerned about the expenses needed by the older daughter.

This made me think… does Hana treat her 2nd child differently than the rest? I may not be a mother myself, but I have seen mothers who give preferential treatment to some of their children. Maybe she doesn’t like her 2nd child? She does have a motive. (Ah, does Pi sound like a P.I. now?) You see, her first child’s name comes with binti *her first husband*, her 3rd child’s name comes with bin *her 2nd husband*, while her 2nd child doesn’t even have a binti at all! (In other words, all her children don’t share the same father!) Even worse, the 2nd child’s birth cert was only done when the child was about to go to school.

I don’t really know the history behind the 2nd child’s birth, but I do suspect something amiss here. But it’s hard to get the facts from Hana and as such I don’t know for sure what’s going on in her mind.

Susahlah ini macam… Hana also blur... myself also blur already...

The boy who dropped out of school

It has been quite a while since I was last on clinic duty. The last time I was supposed to be on duty, something cropped up at the office and as such I had to give my voluntary duty a miss.

Today I was on duty again. With my business partner back from umrah, I didn’t have to worry about things at the office and so off I went to Ipoh GH.

As usual I had to encounter another nightmare (in bright daylight…) finding a parking spot at the hospital, I ended up parking my car quite far from the HIV clinic. Had to walk quite a bit but I suppose it was good exercise for me.

The room we usually use for counseling had to be used for some other matters today so we were given another room further at the back. It was a more spacious room, and even though we had the hospital staff walking in and out of that room, at least we had some privacy at one little corner in the room.

However there weren’t many new cases referred to us today. SN only referred one case to us today, but this one case is one that really deserves attention. When the file was given to me and I saw the name, at first I thought I’d wait for another Tamil-speaking volunteer to arrive. You see, some of the poor from amongst the non-Malays can’t really speak Malay nor English well enough, so I didn’t want to risk having any miscommunication during the counseling session.

But when I saw her age and her address, I figured she should be able to speak Malay well enough. So I proceeded to call her into the room without waiting for my other colleague.

Devi is a 32 year old lady. Her husband had been in prison since about 2 months ago and is expected to remain there for a few months more at least. Devi had been unwell for quite some time, having chest pains and breathing difficulties but never really went for proper check up. That was until about 2 months ago when she was admitted to the hospital and tests revealed that she had HIV.

Ever since her husband was jailed, Devi had been staying with a friend of hers. This friend is married and has a kid, but the friend’s husband didn’t mind having Devi stay with them as he himself is outstation quite often. With Devi staying with them, whenever he’s outstation, his wife would at least have company at home. The problem now is that this friend doesn’t know yet that Devi has HIV. I’m not sure if the couple would still let her stay there if they find out. Such being the case, if we Buddies intend to meet up with her, it is best if we don’t visit her at home. The meeting place will have to be elsewhere.

But I don’t know how long Devi can keep this a secret from her friend. With a CD4 count as low as 6, Devi should be on medication immediately and her friend may be curious and ask her all sorts of questions as to her ailment.

Devi has 2 children – 1 boy aged 14 and a girl aged 4. Both are not staying with her. The boy stays with his grandmother (Devi’s mom-in-law). Apparently Devi and her MIL are not in talking terms. Oh dear. Devi would usually meet her son outside instead of going to her MIL’s house. (Devi’s own parents have both passed away.)

The younger girl now stays with another couple which has no family-ties with Devi. When Devi was healthier, she used to send the daughter to this couple while she was at work. Now she’s no longer working due to health problems, and because of that she can’t afford to bring up the child herself so the couple has sort of adopted the girl. The girl is in good hands no doubt. They send her to kindergarten and the best thing about this couple is that they do bring the girl to see Devi quite often. Devi herself doesn’t have any transport to go to the couple’s house and so they bring the little girl to see Devi at the house where Devi now stays.

My main concern now is Devi’s 14 year old son. Due to poverty he has stopped schooling since more than a year ago. He follows a friend around doing odd jobs to earn a living.

Gosh! He’s only 14. He’s supposed to be going to school, not working! I asked Devi about her son’s performance in school previously. She said he was an average student. That means if given the opportunity and under better circumstances this boy could have probably performed better.

Worse still, Devi’s son has not even had his identity card done. Thank God at least he has a birth cert!

Oh the poor boy! In all the cases I’ve handled so far, I’ve come across poor families having problems paying for the school necessities but they still at least go to school! Yes of course I’ve heard about children who dropped out of school due to poverty, but this is the first time I actually come across one personally.

First thing first – we will now need to arrange for financial assistance for this family. Once we get all the necessary forms ready, we will have to meet up with Devi again to get her to sign the forms and to pass to us the necessary supporting documents. We told Devi to bring along her son the next time we meet so we can coax him to go back to school – we’d of course have to arrange for him to be sponsored under our Education Sponsorship for Children program. We will also need to arrange to get his MyKad done as soon as possible.

The boy has the right to receive basic education at the very least, and basic education to me means at least up to form five! Without basic education, his future looks very bleak.

His family already lives in poverty; if he doesn’t go to school then he is going to inherit his family’s poverty. That’s not the kind of inheritance we would want him to get, would we?

When we help those in need...

… do they become independent or do they become even more dependent?

I guess that all depends on the attitude of the people we help and the extent to which we help them.

While I was at the Buddies center last Thursday, I suddenly remembered I had not informed Ifa about our Family Day trip to Taiping Zoo next month (ehmm… the trip is not to visit any family members in the zoo, ya…). I had to personally seek permission from her father to get Ifa to join our 2006 Family Day in Teluk Batik. Last year for the outing at Lost World of Tambun, I couldn’t get hold of her as she was always not home whenever I called. Since Ifa is already working this year and stays on her own and has her own hand phone, I assume it is easier to get hold of her this year. Not wanting to disturb her during her working hours, I just sent her a text message to invite her to join our Family Day. She replied saying that she’s interested to join but will have to confirm later as she has some problems to settle first.

Hmmm… problems? And she’s trying to solve the problems herself?

Now, that, I must say, is a great improvement for Ifa. When I first got to know her, she had almost given up living. She wished she could just die and not bother anyone anymore. Her non-supportive family didn’t help either. Frankly, I thought I never had any chance of seeing Ifa’s spirits up. I am so glad I was wrong. Ifa is more confident now, and in the process, she has become a more independent person.

I have always stressed that whenever we help these PLWHAs, we must help them to become independent. We don’t want to have them end up clinging on to us for any kind of help, financially or emotionally.

While Ifa has become a more independent and confident woman, Mrs. K’s family is the total opposite. Whenever they have problems, they always take the short cut, and end up having even more problems. And just because we helped them out once, they think we’d always be there for them. They never learn! I always have to be firm with them – even if that means I need to let them suffer a bit.

Fuzi has definitely become more independent, although there had been times when she’d try her luck to get even more help – and end up being “lectured” by me about some other families who had to work hard day and night and yet they earn much lesser than the financial assistance she got. Now she doesn’t bother me much anymore and would only inform me if any of her children who are under our Education Sponsorship program have any additional expenses at school.

Hana too has improved a lot in terms of independence. She’s thankful her children are sponsored under the same sponsorship program and to her that’s a whole load of burden off her shoulders already. She no longer needs to confide in me with all sorts of problems like she did when I first got to know her.

But one person I really admire is Lin. Although she had a tough time initially after her divorce, she didn’t try to get people’s sympathy. Despite never having any work experience before, she still managed to get herself a job. When she decided to call me for support, she didn’t ask for financial support, she just needed someone to talk to. And after letting things out, she feels much better. Now if she contacts me it is only to ask how I’m doing. Just like buddies! I am after all, her buddy, right?

I am not too sure about Yah though. Initially I knew her as a very strong and determined woman. After her angau episode she changed totally. But after putting the onus (no Kerp, not anus) back on her, telling her that she has to be responsible for her own family, she did get herself a job… which is good… but of late I haven’t even been able to call her and neither has she been contacting me. Maybe she has become TOO independent that she doesn’t even bother to answer my calls or reply my text messages?

There were also a few clients who didn’t need any financial support but more of emotional support. Maria for example, has a husband who supports her financially, but this very same man simply did not/could not/would not support her emotionally. Maria would usually try to keep things to herself, not wanting to bother anyone else about her problems, but when she feels like “exploding”, she’d call me to let things out. I’ve tried introducing Maria to other PLWHAs, but she didn’t seem to respond well. She prefers to stick to just one person to confide in whenever the need arises. That’s me.

Basically, I do see improvements in the lives of the PLWHAs I have been dealing with. Of course there are bound to be some “failures” like the K family, but I can’t win them all, can I? Besides, I am not abandoning them… I’m just trying to make them learn… albeit the hard way…

Murah! Murah! Malay girl banyak murah!

Malay girl 180 only meh? Whoa... I thought Jamal Abdillah has been telling us "Siapa kata gadis Melayu tak menawan... tak menarik hati... tiada memikaaat..."

Picture above stolen from Elizabeth Pisani's Wisdom of Whores. Read her article "What's wrong with Malay girls?"

Any comments, people?

Ahh... another hectic week...

Although I don’t have to travel much like I did last week (for last week alone I spent over RM200 for petrol and another RM100 + for toll – and I only use a Kenari which doesn’t really consume as much petrol as the bigger cars!), this is still a hectic week for me.

You see, I didn’t come to the office for the whole of last week, and my partner is off for umrah from 2nd to 14th July, so there are lots of things to settle at the office. Although my office staffs know their jobs, there are certain things they cannot do – like signing the statutory documents. And somehow it is when both of us are not around, THAT is when our business clients ask for certified copies of whatever forms they need!

So, while a few of my PLWHA clients asked if they could see me this week, either I couldn’t oblige or I dared not commit.

Last week when Mrs. K called me, I told her I’d get back to her this week. Yesterday I sent her a text message, telling her that I am not able to do any house visits this month. I also told her about applying for help for baby K in IJN, and that I cannot help her about Mr. K’s personal problems.

But last night, Mrs. K’s daughter called, from a public phone, asking when I’d be visiting them as her mother needed to talk to me about her father’s problems. That meant they didn’t get my text message – and my guess is that their hand phone is going through the same process again... (as per my posting here). I suppose that was to be expected as Mrs. K did mention a bit about her husband’s problem when she called me last week.

When I told the daughter that I won’t be able to visit this month, she said her mother together with baby K will be coming to Ipoh GH on Thursday, so she asked if her mother can meet me then. I dared not promise anything, so I told her to get her mom to call me first when they are in Ipoh. If I’m free then, I’d try to meet them.

This morning after finishing my morning routine at home and as I was about to leave for work, I saw a text message on my hand phone. It was from Hana. She asked if I’d be going to the hospital today. If I was, she wanted to pass me the list of monthly expenses for her children, who are under sponsorship. I simply can’t afford to go this morning, as I am expecting someone at the office, so I told her to pass the list to Pat, a fellow volunteer who stays in the same town as Hana.

Back to Mrs. K, what seems to be Mr. K’s problem?

From the little bit told over the phone to me by Mrs. K last week, Mr. K seemed to have some problem with his previous employer. He used to work at a factory (as a jaga) and when there were some things missing, he was purportedly accused of stealing them. And so it seemed, the employer threatened to report him to the police if he did not pay up RM1,000. Scared he might end up in jail, he borrowed RM1,000 from a money lender to pay up. And the interest? RM200 a month!!

Well, at least that was what Mr. K CLAIMED had happened. Mrs. K believed him, but I am rather skeptical about the whole story.

Even if he was telling the truth, they had gone through the process of borrowing from an unauthorized money-lender before and so they should know how it’s like! All I can say is… TAK SERIK-SERIK!!! If he was not guilty, he shouldn’t have been afraid about being reported to the police. Report lah! Got proof or not?! Or did the employer make a statutory declaration based on hearsay?? (Hehehe…)

The last time they borrowed from the money-lender, we Buddies helped them with Mr. K’s EPF withdrawal, so they managed to settle the loan. The balance of the EPF withdrawal… I reminded them to spend on necessities, but did they listen? No, no, no!! They spent like they had loads of money. Now they are back to square one, they expect me to help them out? Sorry lah… Everybody makes mistakes I know, but when they don’t learn from their mistakes, we can’t be helping them out every time!

I will only help out if it has anything to do with the children’s schooling and baby K’s medical needs. If it is a problem Mr. K got himself into, then he himself will need to learn to face the consequences.

And so, if I do get to meet Mrs. K tomorrow, that is what I am going to tell her. I would have told her so last night if Mrs. K herself had called me, but since it was her daughter who called; I couldn’t lecture the 13 year old girl about her parents, could I?

Sigh…

Ahhh!! I am not going to crack my head thinking about their problems. My priority now is my own mother – that will not change!