When a woman has no say - Part 2

This week and last week I’ve been calling almost all my PLWHA clients inviting them to join our Family Day outing on 5th August. It’s confirmed, from the families under my care, there’ll be 10 adults and 23 children going.

Joining will be the happy-go-lucky Jah, Yah and her 4 children, Fuzi and 5 children, Zainab/Zaki and their 2 daughters, Mr. and Mrs. K and their 4 children, Sha and her 2 boys and finally Lily’s children with their new guardians plus their 2 young cousins.

Nuri, as I had expected, declined. From day one she had been reluctant to join such activities where she could meet up with fellow PLWHAs. I’ve been trying to call Ifa, but each time I called, she wasn’t home (she doesn’t have a hand phone) and the man who answered the call (I think it was her father) sounded like he was going to eat me up so I dared not ask any further… :)

But I really feel so sorry for Maria.

When I called Maria last week informing her of the Family Day, she sounded so excited. She really wanted to go… bring her family along and get the chance to meet other families with HIV. But she would have to discuss the matter with her husband first to make sure they don’t have any other events or appointments on that day. I told her I’d call her again this week.

So 2 days ago I called her. Since she didn’t answer the call I sent her a text message. Apparently Maria didn’t answer my call because she had left her hand phone in the car. It was only later that night she replied my message…

“Saya tak pergi. Suami saya tak nak pergi. Dia mana nak campur dengan orang macam kami ni. Dah tau jawabnya dah tentu dia tak nak.”

I understand how she felt. Her husband had always been her problem since day one. Maria never had any say in any decisions.

I’ve posted Maria’s story sometime in March during my early blogging days. You can read her story here. But if you’re too busy or lazy to read the old posting, let me just summarize her story here.

Maria got infected with HIV from her first husband, a drug addict. It was an arranged marriage. After being blessed with 3 children, they got divorced and through another family arrangement, Maria got married to her present husband. Her present husband seemed to be the more responsible type. Everything went well… until Maria got pregnant again. When tests showed that Maria was infected with HIV, her husband was called to the HIV clinic to get tested as well. He was declared negative.

Then the problem began. Nobody else in the family knew about Maria’s HIV status… only Maria and her husband knew. While Maria needed to talk things over, her husband preferred to avoid the problem by not talking about it. So Maria got all tensed having to keep things inside her. She had no choice but to talk to me whenever she needed to let something off her chest.

Whenever Maria did try to open up to her husband, they would usually end up in a fight… sometimes even to the extent of the husband chasing her out of the house. However, each time Maria tried to get out of the house, he’d stop her… saying he didn’t mean what he said. He didn’t apologize; he just said he didn’t mean what he said earlier. To him, if he didn’t mean what he said, things would be alright. To Maria, he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it.

After some time, Maria didn’t call me as often as she did before. I thought maybe after the baby was delivered, things would turn out for the better. Each time I called to ask how she was doing, she’d just say she was okay. I thought maybe her relationship with her husband had improved. Apparently there wasn’t much improvement. Instead Maria was just getting used to the situation. She was getting used to having no say in any decision.

From her latest SMS I could tell she was frustrated. To her, there was nothing she could do about it because she’s just a woman. I really feel sorry for her.

If only Maria’s husband was more like Sha’s. Sha’s husband was also tested negative but had been very supportive. Although he is not joining the Family Day outing due to work commitments, he encouraged Sha to go with the 2 children.

Financially, Maria’s family is better off than most of the other families under my care. But emotionally, Maria is not.

Frankly speaking, I think Maria’s husband would feel much better if only he’d talk things over with someone. But he simply refuses to do so. Joining the Family Day outing will mean he will be meeting other HIV families. He’s afraid someone may end up talking to him about HIV.

He’s not solving the problem; he’s just avoiding it…

*Sigh*