Guilt-driven depression

I was in my office yesterday morning when a call came in from an unidentified number. There was a lady asking for me, she said she got my number from a personnel of MAC in KL. I knew immediately this had to be one of those HIV related calls, and that this was a Perak case, otherwise MAC would not have referred this lady to me.

This lady was actually worried about her husband who thought he had been infected with HIV. She said something about her husband talking about killing himself. Oh dear… not one of those… please…

It’s not easy talking about these things especially on the phone. When you don’t see them you can’t see their facial expression and their body language. As such it was hard to tell how serious the husband was about killing himself. So I asked if it was okay for me to visit them at their home so we could talk face to face. She welcomed the idea, gave me her home address and directions how to get there.

So, after office, I headed for their home. When I got there, one depressed looking man in his late twenties (let’s just call him Mr X) opened the door and invited me in. There was also this sweet smiling boy (about 1 year plus) welcoming me at the door. The wife (Mrs X), who had called me earlier, was inside, clearing up the mess made by their son (yes, that sweet smiling boy).

We sat down, and the wife started to explain to me the chronology of events. About 3 weeks ago, Mr X followed some of his friends for a trip somewhere. Apparently his friends went there with the intention to enjoy themselves with some prostitutes. Pressured by his friends, Mr X joined in the so called “fun”.

Never having been involved in such activities before, the moment he came back, Mr X felt tremendously guilty. The feeling of guilt became even more unbearable when his private part began to feel itchy and some sort of rashes began to develop. The first thing that came to his mind was that he had been infected by HIV as punishment from God for the sin he had done.

Noticing his uneasiness, Mrs X asked him what was wrong. Mr X finally opened up and told her the whole truth. He asked for her forgiveness, and God bless her, she forgave him! To her, if her husband really regretted what he had done, then there was no reason for her not to forgive him. He’s only human, and human makes mistakes in their lives.

His wife’s forgiveness did not reduce the feeling of guilt felt by Mr X. He became paranoid, thinking that every single itch or whatever else he felt was a result of HIV. His wife urged him to see a doctor. So, he went to a clinic and was told by the doctor that it was just a normal infection. He was given some medicine and when the rashes did not subside after a few days, he went to see another doctor. The doctor told him the same thing. Not satisfied, 2 days ago he went for blood tests. The results? Negative.

While for some people it would have been a great relief, for Mr X, he was still not satisfied. He read about the “window period” during which HIV may not be detected even after someone has been infected, and so he was convinced that was the case with his first test results. He was still talking about ending his life.

His wife got worried and got Mr X’s parents to come into the picture. They too were forgiving despite what he got himself into. But it wasn’t easy to calm a man who is pressured from within inside himself! His wife was forgiving, his parents were forgiving, but HE could not forgive himself.

Mrs X began to panic when after the blood test, Mr X brought home a bottle of pesticide he bought… to kill himself with. So yesterday she took emergency leave so she could stay home to make sure her husband did not do anything foolish. And yesterday morning she called MAC so she could get someone with more knowledge on HIV to talk to the husband. But as I said earlier, it was not easy discussing these things on the phone. That was when my contact number was given.

Wow! This was serious. I had better be careful with whatever I was going to explain to him. It is true about the window period and he will need to go for another test after 3 months but at the same time I must also convince him that life is not over even IF he is infected. I had to keep reminding him that in the first place he is not necessarily infected. He kept thinking about all the negative things and kept pressuring himself with all the “what if” questions. I told him about other PLWHAs who are doing fine living normal lives.

Having gotten over the HIV part of our conversation, the next thing he asked was what if God would not forgive him. Ah… I knew then I’d better quickly switch to “religious” mode. No, not the “this is wrong, it’s a sin” kind of talk, but more of the “God is loving, God is forgiving” kind of talk.

At the end of it, he did look a bit calmer but I was not totally convinced he’d be able to get out of his depression yet. I begged him not kill himself as he would lose any chances of seeking forgiveness from God. I advised him to keep himself busy so his mind would not go wandering, thinking about all the negative things. And finally before I left, I told his wife to call me if his depression turns for the worse.

So far so good, I hope I will not get any SOS calls from Mrs X...