20, married, but already a single mother…

When Liza told me she’d be coming to Ipoh GH on 28th September for her appointment, I told her to bring the necessary supporting documents to help her apply for financial help for her child. I promised to meet up with her then. When she was first referred to us Buddies, I wasn’t on duty, so I had not met her personally.

Yesterday I sent Liza a text message asking what time she expected to reach Ipoh. Since she said she should be in Ipoh before 10 am, this morning when it was almost 10 am, I made a move from the Buddies center, heading to the hospital.

By 10.10 am, I was already at the O&G clinic, where Liza was supposed to be. I tried calling Liza, but there was no answer. I then sent a text message, there was no reply. We had never met each other before, so how was I to recognise her if she didn’t answer my calls or reply my messages? I tried looking around, trying to look for a young pregnant lady who came alone… there were quite a number of them. (well, some came with their husbands, but their husbands sat far away…)

10.35 am… there was still no reply from Liza. I decided to walk back to my car and maybe try to call her a bit later, maybe meet up with her after she was done with her appointment. I had already walked halfway when finally Liza’s text message came. Apparently she was a bit late this morning and when I called earlier she was in the bus and didn’t hear her phone ringing.

So I walked back to the O&G clinic, and called Liza again to find out which one was her. Again, my call wasn’t answered. By then I knew she was already there, so I sent her a message, telling her I was sitting near the big Malaysia flag, wearing a maroon colour tudung. After a while, finally Liza came over to me.

Liza, at 20, seemed a lot mature than her age. And I mean she looked and acted mature, not old. While many 20 year olds I know are still enjoying life out there, Liza had gone through a whole lot, and although officially she is not yet a single mother, in reality she already is.

Liza found out about her HIV at the age of 18, when she was pregnant with her first child. At that time, she was staying and working in KL and so her appointments too were in KL. While Liza was mature for her age, her husband, just one year older, was not. He was not responsible enough to stick to a proper job, and most of the time, it was Liza supporting the family. She takes her job responsibility seriously, as compared to her husband who went to work as he pleased, causing him to lose his jobs.

Liza didn’t mind. After the birth of their first child, Liza worked even harder to support the family. Her husband stayed home to look after their child. But usually if the breadwinner is the husband, and the wife stays home, the wife would be looking after the child, cleaning up the house, cooking, etc etc. In Liza’s case, since she was the breadwinner, and the husband was the one who stayed home to look after the child, that was about all he did… look after the child. (I guess women are better at multi-tasking huh?) By the time Liza got home, the house was in a mess and no food cooked. After a long tiring day in the office (and husband relaxing at home just “looking” after their child), the husband would complain if Liza decided to take a short rest.

Liza did complain that he was not helping out with the housework.

“Itu kan kerja orang perempuan?” said the husband.

“Habis tu yang cari rezeki untuk keluarga ni bukan kerja orang lelaki ke?” Liza snapped back.

Sometimes Liza wanted to do overtime to earn more income for the family since the husband was not working. But the husband wouldn’t let her. He wanted her to carry out what he said were her duties as his wife… to see to his needs!

In addition to that, the husband was also the jealous type. Very jealous. Whenever he fetched Liza back from work, sometimes he’d see Liza talking to some of her male colleagues.

“Handsome boyfriend baru awak? Patutlah selalu nak buat overtime. Awak tu bini orang, jangan lupa.”

Personally I think he actually felt insecure. He knew he wasn’t doing his job as a good husband, but not wanting to admit it, he looked for Liza’s faults instead.

After a while, Liza got fed up. She filed for divorce. But before the case was called, her sisters-in-law coaxed her to give him a second chance. The husband promised to change.

Liza, still feeling some love for the husband, decided to give him a second chance. They moved to a new place. The husband did manage to get himself a job. Although by then they already knew about their HIV status, they did not practice safe sex. Liza got pregnant again. And the husband fouled up again, losing his job and leaving Liza as the sole breadwinner again. When Liza complained, this time he slapped Liza’s face.

“Tangan pun dah naik tu saya tak tunggu dah lah kak,” said Liza to me while I took her out for lunch today after she was done with her appointment.

When one day her husband didn’t even come home, she decided there and then to leave him, and she went to stay with her sister. The sister was the one closest to Liza and the only one amongst the siblings who knew of Liza’s HIV. She and her husband had no problems having Liza stay with them. When Liza went out to work, the sister would take care of Liza’s child.

After a while, the sister’s mother-in-law coaxed them to move back to Perak as she needed her son to help her out. Liza followed them back to Perak (she grew up in Perak) but she felt it wasn’t appropriate for her to stay with her sister as the sister stays at her mother-in-law’s home. So Liza now stays with an aunt nearby. Liza’s parents had moved to a southern state since last year to stay with Liza’s eldest brother.

Only problem now is, Liza’s aunt doesn’t know of Liza’s HIV status even though she knew of Liza’s marital problems. And knowing the aunt as the kaypoh type, Liza certainly doesn’t want the aunt to know. Initially she found herself a job at a minimarket at a nearby town, but after the employer found out that she was pregnant, and not wanting to pay her for nothing when she goes on maternity leave, decided to terminate her employment before she was confirmed.

So Liza figured she might as well wait until she delivers before she attempts to find another job,

I asked Liza about staying at her brother’s house together with her parents. But Liza is reluctant because other than her closest sister, the rest of the family doesn’t know of her HIV. Liza and her sister did finally tell the mother, resulting in the mother not letting her prepare all the food at home for fear of the virus spreading to other members in the family. So nope, staying with her parents is not an option. At least not for the moment.

As far as possible Liza wants to move out before she delivers, because if after delivery she goes back to stay with the aunty, chances are there’d be lots of questions asked… especially when the aunty finds out that she won’t be breastfeeding the baby. Even as it is, the aunty is asking all sorts of questions why Liza needed to come to Ipoh for her appointments.

If possible Liza wants to move back to KL. She already knows her way around and she knows where to find openings to get herself a job after she delivers.

And Liza also plans to file for divorce after she delivers. If she has to go through life like a single mother, she might as well make it official.

Right now I need to ask around if there is a place for Liza to stay, at least temporarily until she can get herself a job.

The problematic young woman - Part 1

When I first met Zana during one of my clinic duties, she was rather quiet. She didn’t say much, but she did say she had support from her family. That was more than 2 years ago.

Zana is 25 years old. She was married to a guy who eventually became hooked on drugs. They were blessed with a child. The girl is now 5 years of age.

When Zana’s husband died about 2 1/2 years ago, they suspected he had AIDS. So Zana’s family told her to go for tests, together with her daughter. Her daughter was tested negative, but Zana was not as lucky. She was then referred to the HIV clinic, and that was when I met her.

I was assigned as Zana’s buddy, and after the clinic, I managed to call her once to find out how she was doing, and she said she was okay. No problems whatsover, so she said.

After a few months I could no longer get through the number she gave. So I lost contact with her for a while. That was some sort of a blessing for me I guess, as at that time I was too busy with Rose, who was getting weaker and weaker by the day.

Just one week after Rose died, I received one SMS from an unfamiliar number. It was Zana, who said she had some problems and needed to see me. So I promised to meet up with her the next day, at a food stall near her home.

Zana said her handbag got snatched, and so she lost her handphone, her hospital card and other important documents. No wonder I couldn’t get hold of her earlier. And because of that too, she missed her hospital appointments, as she had forgotten the exact date of her appointment. Being somehow a bit immature, Zana was afraid she may get scolded if she went to the hospital without her hospital card etc, and especially so since she missed her appointment. She asked if I could help her out as she needed to see the doctor. It was during this time that I found out that Zana was no longer staying with her parents. Instead she stayed with her so-called mak angkat, in the very same kampong. However, Zana from time to time would go back to her parents home to visit her daughter, who was being taken care of by her (Zana’s) parents.

I made arrangements with the staff nurse at the HIV clinic to fix another appointment for Zana. But as I mentioned earlier, Zana is rather immature, and careless too if I may add. She lost her handbag again, together with her new hospital card. So she decided to give her appointment a miss because she’s afraid she may get a scolding from the nurse.

I just so happened to check on her that morning to make sure she didn’t miss her appointment. But to my disappointment, when I called she was at home – giving the excuse that she didn’t feel well enough to go. I offered to fetch her at home and drive her to the hospital. She didn’t have any other excuse to offer, so she had to follow me.

When I fetched her at home, somehow I suspected that she may be pregnant. Her husband died quite some time ago and she had not remarried. Since she didn’t say anything, I just kept quiet.

After her check-up, the staff nurse called me in to discuss Zana’s attitude problem. Zana’s CD4 was already below 200 and she should already be on medication, but the nurse was not too confident that Zana would be the compliant type. Anyway, I noted down the date of Zana’s next appointment so I could check on her when the time comes.

Just a week later, I got another SMS from Zana. This time she asked if I could find a shelter home for her to stay as she needed to get out of the house by the next day. This time I became even more suspicious. When I called her to ask what was actually going on, initially she didn’t want to say anything about her pregnancy. All she said was, “Entahlah kak, diorang nak saya keluar dari rumah ni.” She had told me earlier that her mak angkat knew about her HIV status, so she couldn’t have been asked to leave because of HIV. I pestered her to tell me truth if she wanted me to help her. Finally she admitted, “Sebenarnya saya mengandung, kak.”

Hah! I knew it!! I felt like slapping her (but I couldn’t even if I wanted to as we were just communicating by phone), not only because she got pregnant out of wedlock, but also because she knew very well she had HIV and what the consequences were, and yet.... SIGH!! But come to think of it, Zana was looking for “love” outside as she didn’t get enough love at home. When someone offered her the so-called “love”, somehow she felt wanted. She didn’t think about her future, all she cared about was what she could get hold of there and then.

Well, I guess that was disaster for both Zana and whoever the guy was. Zana got pregnant, and the guy, could have got infected with HIV. We couldn’t get hold of him to arrange for tests as Zana herself had by then lost contact with him.

My main concern then was not just to find a shelter home for Zana, but I needed to bring her to see the doctor again. There was another life for concern here, and I sure didn’t want the baby to get infected. If Zana had kept quiet to the very end, ran away somewhere without getting proper treatment not just for her HIV but also for her pregnancy, chances were the baby would be infected too.

There weren’t any shelter homes in Perak specifically for Muslim women. Well, yes, there were a few, but they were either only for teenagers with problems, or, the ones for women were not ready to accept HIV positive people. I had no choice but to resort to MAC for help. The people there were very helpful in getting a place for Zana in a shelter home in KL, specifically for HIV women and children. Okay, so problem on a place to stay was settled.

Next day, first thing in the morning I called up the nurse at the HIV clinic to arrange for immediate appointment for Zana. The nurse was shocked when I told her Zana was pregnant. She told me to immediately bring Zana to see the doctor. Luckily the specialist so happened to be in that day. It was a Friday and usually the doctor would only be around at the HIV clinic on Wednesdays.

Zana was told to start medication immediately to protect the baby. And as I needed to send her to KL the next day, all the necessary referral letters were passed to me, so I could pass them to whoever was in charge of the shelter home in KL.

That Saturday, I sent Zana to the shelter home in KL. And so began a new episode in Zana’s life, together with a few other infected women and children.